What to do with a "TerribleTwo"

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Ok I have a question for you. My oldest is 21 months and I can see the terrible 2's coming. How do I best help him through this time of important learning? What is the right thing to do when he tells me NO? I look forward to your response.

Jeff responds:

Dear Chad and Kimmie,

Congratulations, you have asked a very important question at just the right time.Instead of waiting until you are neck deep in frustration you are sensing some confusion and getting help.

The two's are "terrible" because the usually compliant and sweet toddlers suddenly become stubborn and will throw huge tantrums if they don't get their way.

Up until this point they have been mainly preoccupied with allowing you to meet their basic needs, food, comfort, sleep, warm dry clothes,etc. while they explore and master their own body, rolling over, crawling, standing walking, and of course talking.

But having realized that they are okay and these needs will be met, their inner drive to develop switches from just the passive receiving of help to the acting "on" the world. They now want to become an 'individual', to express their own will, to have their own wishes, wants, and desires. This is a whole new inner force that the child has not had to contend with before and therefor they do not have any skills or experience of what to do with it. Suddenly they WANT; they MUST HAVE, they DON'T WANT TO. And they have no ability from inside themselves to control these powerful feelings.

I find it useful to imagine this new drive of the 'will' as an inner 'tiger', primitive and ferocious, that the child has not yet gotten ability of 'self control' to manage.
In fact it is only with the mastery of this 'will' that the children have the power to turn it back on themselves and control their behavior.

The job of the parent then is two fold (the simpler stages of parenting are now over!). First, the child needs her 'will' of course. It is a major part of our human identity. Without it we do not know how to go out and shape our lives. So the parent must help the child find ways of practicing making choices and giving the child's will the chance to be active and be expressed successfully.

At the same time the child's will is a monster of self centeredness that has no regard whatsoever for other people's need, for what even is possible for the parent to give, or for what is good for the child.
It will take many many years for a child to grow out of their self-centeredness. It is hard wired into their stages of development.

So the parent must step in to limit the child's will so that it does no great harm. The child cannot understand this, because a two year old has no rational cause and effect thinking, deep memory, experience or sense of time to tell them, "It is okay, Mom and Dad are not letting me play with the sharp knife for my own good, and there will be plenty of other opportunities when I will be able to get my own way."

No, all the child feels is that I am not getting what I want!" And not knowing time it is the same as, "I will never get what I want!" and because everything is still personal and unexplainable, "You are doing this to me for no good reason."

Only the slow accumulation of practical experiences shaped by the parents accomplishes what the child needs during this stage. First the child need to experience that her will can be successful enough to nurture the growing faith that most of what she wants will be allowed or granted, so that it's okay if sometimes I cannot have what I want. Second that sometimes what I want isn't good for me and I can rely on my parents to help keep me safe with their limits. Third, she learns that Mom and Dad care for her and appreciate how hard it is to feel unhappy when she cannot get what she wants, so it helpful to talk out her upsets. She learns that her deep desires do not drive away her beloved parents is served by taking some of her will and using it to control her own reactions and behaviors. Self control actually makes her feel strong and proud of herself.

So as parents you are the coaches, or teachers that are helping your child develop and master their 'sense of will' so that it is optimistic, valued, and gradually tempered to become flexible and trusting as the child negotiates these wants and desires in her all important social world.

In beginning when the child is most vulnerable and least skilled, accommodate where you can, and definitely sympathize where you cannot. Meanwhile give the child plenty of opportunity to exercise choice where you can set up two good choices. For example:"Would you like to wear the red shirt or the green shirt?" Both choices need to be okay with you.

Don't offer lots and lots of choices especially when the child is not interested. Multiple breakfast choices everyday are not necessary and only serve to drive the child into wondering what they want prematurely and make you life very complicated.Keep it simple, and when the child seems to have a clear desire to exercise choice.

Because the child cannot understand your reasons, don't lecture on them, if you have to set a limit use a simple and repeated phrase such as, "We don't do that." Being firm and still warm is sufficient. Make sure that you don't get angry if at all possible. Your anger just scares the child and now they are caught between their inner tiger, and their outer angry adult. Under those conditions they do not learn self mastery of their will, they will learn to stay frightened of others and of their will. They will also be learning to use anger as a way to solve problems.

Distraction is a wonderful tool because most children are so distractable they switch desires to something different and more acceptable fairly easily. But the child needs to have some limits to 'practice' learning to accept limits and control their behaviors. Meeting all their needs keeps them from learning self monastery. Making to many demands for sacrificing their desires leads to an weakened sense of will.As the child gets that their wishes will often be met, it is easier and easier to set limits on what they cannot have.

When they are tired and have had a bad day, they lose the ability for self control (just like adults), you will need to lower your expectations and cut them more slack. This is a time to win the war, not the battle.

You do not need to bribe, threaten or punish. Your loving disapproval, warm conviction and insistence is powerful enough. Just be patient and let time work for you.

Some children have very strong wills. They need more time and more help learning to master it. They are not spoiled, or bad, just different.

Finally do not get scared by the power struggle. You can relax, you have all the influence you need to set limits and they will learn to master their will with the right practice and your good examples.